Another Politician Without a Clue - January 18th, 2007

I was watching either CNN or MSNBC last night (not sure which) and I see this Senator from Tennessee squawking about how he is on a mission to ban Girls Gone Wild television ads with a measure he calls his “Girls Gone Wild Be Gone Bill.” Let’s try to forget for a moment that we are at war and simply just analyze this for what it is.

Senator Doug Jackson said “This is being interjected right into our living room.” He then goes on to say “People feel like, as they sit in their living rooms, they just have to surrender; there’s nothing that can be done, the more I thought about it, I said, You know, it’s time to draw the line.” WOW that is profound, way to go Senator, this is your chance to really make a difference and write your own legacy. You can be the guy that removed the already totally censored ads, which run all night long when kids are sleeping, from one of the most successful series ever.

Listen Senator, you are trying to ban something that the public who elected you is craving. Why do you think those things run all night long? Do you think it is because no one is buying the product? People love this crap, so who are you saving? Hey Doug, next time you have a thought, do us all a favor and let it go. There are so many problems in this world that even an ignoramus like yourself should be able to close your eyes, open up the newspaper, and blindly put your finger down on some real world problem and make that your mission.


Monogramming … why? - November 4th, 2006

monogramWhat is wrong with people that feel the need to monogram their stuff? Do they sometimes forget their initials? Are they senile? What are you saying to the world when you have the kind of money that you can just afford to stitch your initials all over your stuff? Sounds to me like you are saying fuck you and everyone else in this world. Are you kidding me that these people can’t find anything better to spend their money on?

So you go out and buy a $150k Mercedes to show us how much money you have, but that isn’t enough? You have to then go out and spend another $10k on custom leather seats with your initials on them? Look, you bought the Mercedes, we get it, that was the statement, you have so much money you just don’t give a shit.

Listen, I understand wanting the finer things in life. But being able to afford a $150 set of pillow cases should be nice enough, spending another $20 to have your name put on them is just a way of thumbing your nose at society. We get it, you’ve made it in life, save the $20, give it to charity, and help someone less fortunate. Better yet invest it for the help your kids are going to need some day.

A 10 year erection will win you $400,000 - October 5th, 2006

The associated press reported this week that a former handyman from Rhode Island has been awarded more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a malfunctioning penile implant.

Charles Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before new drugs like Cialis went on the market. The implant he received called the Dura-II is “a Positionable Penile Prosthesis made out of cobalt-chrome alloy strands for core strength that gives patients what they want most: ease of positioning, cosmetic concealment and adequate rigidity for pleasurable intercourse.” But there was a real problem with his implant. Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment.

In 2004, a jury awarded Charles $750,000. Now a judge has deemed that excessive and reduced it to $400,000. On Friday, the Rhode Island Supreme Court affirmed that award in a ruling that turned on a procedural matter.

I would write a joke about all of this, but I am just not that funny. That being said, I do have a question. Did this guy keep this implant in for 5 years and then later get bored and decide to sue? If this implant really was as bad as he claims, and I do believe it would suck, why didn’t he have it removed a week or two later?

Sirius Satellite Radio is the only way to go - September 28th, 2006

nullI just want to let it be known that I have been listening to Sirius XM Satellite Radio for about 10 months now, and I am never going back to “Free FM.” It came to my attention that Sirius was offering a free online trial, so I figured I would point it out to my readers. If you haven’t heard it yet you don’t know what you’re missing. No more mind numbing 15 minute ad spots, and no longer do I have to listen to the same 10 songs on a loop. Now I get nothing but quality non stop music and talk radio for about 12 bucks a month. Let me tell you, if you do a lot of driving, or work at a computer, you have to get yourself a premium membership. It will be the best 12 bucks a month you will ever spend. No joke here, I have not put on my regular “Free FM” radio stations for 10 months, and I don’t feel like I am missing a thing.

James Frey Lawsuit - September 8th, 2006

I don’t even know why I wrote about this the first time around, I think it was because I just can’t stand Oprah. Anyway ‘A Million Little Pieces’ is back in the news, and you are not going to believe this. It has been reported that a settlement has been reached in a class action lawsuit filed by the readers of Frey’s book. Random House, Frey’s publisher, has agreed to refund “defrauded” readers of the book

Readers who bought “A Million Little Pieces” on or before Jan. 26, the day Frey and his publisher acknowledged that he had made up parts of the book, would be eligible for a refund of the full suggested retail price, regardless of discounts or special sales.

BUT here comes the kicker

“To receive refunds – $23.95 for the hardcover, $14.95 for paperback – consumers will have to submit a receipt or some other proof of purchase: for the hardcover, page 163; for the paperback, the front cover. They will also need to sign a sworn statement that they bought the book because they believed it was a memoir.”

I love this. From a legal and professional point of view it seems as if the publisher is doing the right thing, and they get to save face. Yet it is really bullshit because, who still has the receipt for a 10 month old book, and is willing to sign a sworn statement just to get 20 bucks back? Anyone who takes the necessary steps to get their twenty spot back should take that money and put it in the “psychiatrist fund jar” so they may one day get some help to learn how to loosen the fuck up.

Mexico not so happy about immigration - August 15th, 2006

Whether you are happy about immigration or pissed off to the core here is some food for thought. The good President Fox of Mexico thinks we should tear down our fence at the border and allow Mexicans to cross illegally. Yet at the same time President Fox has his own military stacked along his southern border to keep poor Guatemalans out of Mexico.

I understand there can be arguments made both ways about immigration. I also understand a humans need to prosper, and if I lived in Mexico I would most likely try and get into America myself. That being said I am still not sure if it would be right or wrong. What I do know is El Presidente is being a ridiculous hypocrite.

Maybe this post will finally get some people debating in here???

Big Dig Disaster - July 20th, 2006

I came home from vacation earlier this week and to my dismay the I-90 Connector Tunnel was closed. My normally 15 minute ride turned into a 3 hour bad joke. Why is the tunnel closed? Oh because thousands of pounds of concrete fell the fuck off the tunnels ceiling and killed a woman. How could this happen? It must be some kind of isolated flaw right? I mean the new tunnels in downtown Boston have cost the tax payers billions of dollars, for that kind of money everything should be safe and secure. Then why the hell did they find 230 more “troubled spots?”

The problem is that most of the people in this world have no pride in what it is they do for a living. Too much job security and fat lazy Americanitis leads to shoddy craftsmanship. I guarantee you if that concrete the worker poured for the ceiling panel was instead the concrete for his own home’s foundation there would not have been an issue. All we can do now is hope they find whoever is at fault for this and publicly stone them. Oh, and how about fix all of the other 230 trouble spots, especially the ones that require sandbags to hold back the water from burying me in a watery tomb.

Taser needed to tame 92 year old man - April 10th, 2006

Looks like the police are out having some fun with tasers again. The title of this post should probably have been “Florida Police Officer is a gigantic pussy”, but I did not think that would have been descriptive enough to give people the gist. Here is the release from the press;

United Press International

A sheriff’s deputy used a Taser to stop a 92-year-old man from allegedly beating his roommate with his aluminum cane at a Florida assisted living center.

A nurse reported hearing a “thud” shortly after midnight Thursday and she found Roland Casanova, 81, on the floor, defending himself from Holcombe’s cane, the Tampa Tribune reported. The sheriff’s deputy who answered the call said Holcombe swung the cane at him also before the officer drew his Taser.

I think the Police Academy should be looking to introduce a new mandatory section of their test. After all of the physical fitness sections of the test, officers should be forced to enter a room and in said room they will be faced with a dreaded 92 year old man armed with a cane. If at this point of the exam the new recruits can not disarm and subdue the 92 year man with one arm tied behind their backs, they will fail out and never be allowed to return to the force.

Congratulations Deputy David Ripple you have officially won my douchebag of the week award. You should really be proud of yourself as you are clearly all that is man. Do us all a favor and go taser yourself where a real man would have testicles (ask a friend), then go turn in your gun and badge as you are a disgrace to the community and the great police force you represent… you sackless wonder.

Class action suit against Apple - March 2nd, 2006

Here we go again with another unwarranted lawsuit wasting taxpayers’ money. Here is a little background info incase you missed it. A Louisiana man has filed a class action suit against Apple Computer, the makers of the popular iPod product, saying that Apple has failed to take sufficient steps to prevent hearing loss among iPod users. The suit, filed in U.S. District Court in San Jose, California, charges that the iPod music player is capable of producing sounds of up to 115 decibels even though studies suggest that listening to music at that level for even 30 seconds per day can cause hearing damage over time. The lawsuit, seeks monetary damages to compensate for the hearing loss suffered by iPod users.

Where do I begin? We live in day and age where bigger is better and every stereo, Discman, and MP3 player is capable of reaching ear piercing levels that no one in their right mind uses. When was the last time you were sitting in your home and turned your component stereo system or TV to full blast? Just because your component stereo system can reach 150 decibels does not mean that you have to turn it up that loud. Why not? Because it hurts your God damn ears! Apple does not have to limit the level of output on an iPod, because I have my own safety system, its called my ears, when it hurts I know it is too loud.

This seems like a perfect time to leak my idea for the bullshit button to the public. What we do is implement a Press Your Luck plunger type button in front of every Judge in America, and when people bring laughable money grubbing type cases in front of our legal system the Judge just hits the button. Once the button is pressed and a sound byte yells out bullshit at 115 decibels for 29 seconds (to prevent hearing loss) and the case is tossed out of the legal system case closed.

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